i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
