stop calling my apartment porn island.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
