Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
