she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
