If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
