I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
