He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize