i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
