you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
