I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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