: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
