Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
