Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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