That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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