my phone needs a breathalizer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
