I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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