She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
