I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
