winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize