I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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