I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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