barbara walters just said penis...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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