she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
that is very illegal...i love you.
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