tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
