Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize