So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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