All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You made out with two different species that night
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
