i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
