I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
