I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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