everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
