we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
