An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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