sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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