That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize