It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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