two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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