Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
