dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
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