Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
