I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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