i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
