Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
