No awkward lesbian experiences without me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
