You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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