She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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