Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Terrible idea I love it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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