when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
