life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
