that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
