Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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