I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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