Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
