so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
