You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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