I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
