I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
