I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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