I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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