I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
