Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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